I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
