I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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