I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
