I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
