Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
