Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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