Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
