mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
