i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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