Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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