We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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