My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
