My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
