we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
