this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My feet surprised me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
