the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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