when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
