I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
