Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm passing your future prison.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize