turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
