do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize