I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
