I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
