I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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