I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
