God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
