So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
