I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize