I met the friendliest cop last night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize