I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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