Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
