You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
