What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
