This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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