You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
