My hand turned me down
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
