shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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