Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
