You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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