i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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