Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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