the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize