I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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