ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
