when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize