She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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