My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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