i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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