hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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