someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
