if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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