I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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