Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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