Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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