Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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