If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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