I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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