Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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