when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
