Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
