Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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