I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
