i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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