I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
