My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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