I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Come on in and take your pants off
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