So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
